Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Eeeeeeeeyowwww!!!!

I was directed by Pat's blog to another blog where I read a post on Thinking You're Naked and and then The Thing About Being Naked and I just have to repost something from his blog here because it resonated so much in me.

From Thinking You're Naked :

...I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

"Who told you that you were naked?"

There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn't love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren't a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?

Who told you that you'll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there werepeople that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.

But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question, "Who told you that you were naked?"

And He's still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked....

And then from The Thing About Being Naked :

One of things that helped clarify this for me was a book called "The War of Art " by Steven Pressfield. Here is something he wrote about the artist's life.

The Artist’s Life

Are you a born writer? Were you put on earth to be a painter, a scientist, an apostle of peace? In the end the question can only be answered by action.

Do it or don’t do it.

It may help to think of it this way. If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children. You hurt me. You hurt the planet.

You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite the Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God.

Creative work is not a selfish act or a bid for attention on the part of the actor. It’s a gift to the world and every being in it. Don’t cheat us of your contribution.

Give us what you’ve got.

It's time for you and me to give the world what we've got. To nudge the human race one millimeter farther along its path back to God. I don't know what that looks like for you, but for me, it means letting go of my fears of failure or success and leaning into God as hard as I can with this adventure.

And all I have to say right now is eeeeeeeyowwwwwwww!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The hammer fell today...

...it fell hard and wide and hurt many good people I call friends. They announced at work today that they are closing, excuse me, consolidating our department down from centers in over a dozen offices to just three - L.A., Pittsburgh, and Atlanta. My supervisor, my regional manager, my peeps who are my support group at work (all in the Midwest), given two weeks notice.

But me, I'm "safe" here in L.A.. I don't know whether to thank God or just cry really hard.

Everyone is being given the "opportunity" to transfer to one of the three centers or to "transition" into an open position in their current office but in another department. They wouldn't even have to take pay cut or anything ;/

In the meantime our operations in India have never been bigger and are growing at record speeds.

Stupid economy.

If it hadn't been for the abundance of space in our L.A. office to house more staff I probably would have been "given the opportunity" to "transfer" to Phoenix or Albuquerque (Where operational costs would be much cheaper.)

This means I have no hopes of ever transferring to another office (other than Atlanta, Pittsburgh, or India) and probably not of telecommuting. Because if I can telecommute why couldn't all the folks who had to leave do so too.

The future is none too shiny at the moment. The choices are getting slimmer.

Is it wrong to pray for the rapture?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Clearing up at least one issue

It has been suggested to me on more than one occassion by more than one person that perhaps we could consider living in or near the mountains and I could take the Metrolink in to work. I'll just say it right now, it's not going to happen, and here's why.

Just to give you and idea of what my quality of life would be if we lived in the mountains and I communted to downtown LA. This is what my Mon.-Fri. schedule would be:

4:30 a.m. Wake up and get ready for work

5:45 a.m. Leave house for train station (assuming we lived in Crestline)

6:14 a.m. Train departs SB for Union Station (then I would take the subway from Union Station to Pershing Square to arrive at work around 8:00 a.m.)

5:00 p.m. Leave office (assuming I didn't need to work overtime) and run like mad to Pershing Square and grab subway to Union Station

5:20 p.m. Depart Union Station (assuming I made it on time, if not then add 20 minutes to the times below)

6:50 p.m. Arrive San Bernardino

7:20 p.m. Arrive home (assuming no traffic and didn't run any errands on the way home)

8:00 p.m. Go to bed (because I need 8-9 hours of sleep a night)

So that would leave me with a total of 40 minutes a day to: eat dinner, spend time with my family, relax, enjoy hobbies, exercise, oops I think I ran out of time after eat dinner. Then my weekends would be spent running all the errands and doing all the chores I didn't have time for during the week, not to mention catching up on sleep.

So, no, I will not be living in the mountains and commuting to L.A. any time soon.

Just in case you were wondering.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Miscellany

Let's see, what is there to report...

My mom finshed chemo this winter and had her first body scan last week. She came back with a clean bill of health. My niece is back at work after lung surgery, is participating in an experimental chemo/drug trial, and seems to be doing really well so far. Praise God. That's the good news.

Devin and I had the flu last week. Last Saturday I woke up with a soar throat and Devin with a fever so I dashed out to the grocery store to stock up on chicken soup, oranges, and Kleenex. Got home just as I was developing a fever of my very own. It was the most sick I've ever been, or at least ever felt, in my life. Put us out of commission for about a week. I'm still recovering from some congestion hanging on in my chest.

Devin is still looking for a job/work. He put in a submission to Blizzard about two weeks ago for a concept artist job. They don't appreciate any form of contact from applicants; so there's no finding out if they've even looked at his submission let alone what they thought of it. It's a very frustrating postion to be in. I feel like we have to put everything on hold until we know they definitely aren't going to call. We're considering broadening the job search scope, at least I'm considering it for Devin. As in, art work in any location not just L.A.

We would like to move away from Los Angeles. I am pretty much miserable here so far. We haven't been up to the mountains much recently. We've told people it's because we're avoiding the snow and that we would like to spend some time at home. While that's true and all, one other reason is it's just too painful to have to drive back down to L.A. afterwards. For me at least anyway. It's emotionally scarring, really. There have been actual tears. I liken it being stuffed back in to a prison cell after having been free.

I'm still trying to decide if I want to go back to college or not, and if so what for. Or if it would ever even be feasible for me to do so. I mainly just want to change careers but am not sure what I would choose to do. I feel like I have committment issues. I also feel guilty for not being satisfied with the job I already have. It's not a bad job, best one I've ever had in fact. We're very blessed by it and all. It's not like I'm gutting fish or scrubbing toilets for minimum wage (not that those are bad jobs if you find them gratifying). I guess I long for a feeling of accomplishment that I think earning a more advanced degree would bring me, as well as deliberately choosing a career that would enable me to contribute to society in a way I find meaningful.

When I get tired of thinking about that, my mind wanders on over to the mommy issue. I can defintely see myself being a full-time mom/home manager. (There's got a be a better term for housewife that isn't female-specific and more fully describes the amount of work that role encompasses.) But don't want to fall into that role by default. I like the idea of doing some sort of work outside the home. I'm just having a really hard time defining what that should be or trusting myself to make any decisons about it.

I guess I need to start making some pro/con lists.

Well, time to get back to the daily grind. Thanks for stopping by.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Correction:

I may have just realized I'm 33 years old but I am also 34 years old. I just haven't realized it yet.

Thanks for reminder mom!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I'm just too dang old dude, or, gosh I hate money: A case of the if onlys.

I finally realized that I turned 33 this year. I realized it when it suddenly occurred to me that now I have less than two years of "safe" child bearing left. After 35 it's not the best idea. Add to that the fact that most doctors would tell me to lose weight and get my triglycerides under check and that leaves me with even less time. Maybe none at all. We've always said that if we didn't decide to have kids in time we would adopt but...it makes me feel sad to think of not having a baby. Why is that? Is that just me being girly or do I actually want to have a kid? Because there's so much about pregnancy I dread (like I seriously doubt my back would hold up). Yet it makes me silly to think of making another human being that is part me and part him. Why am I so wishy-washy about kids? Am I just afraid or can I really not make up my mind? Because this seems like something a person should know one way or the other.

So Devin and I talked about it briefly a couple of times this week but still haven't come to any conclusions. My life has just not gone even somewhat according to how I ever planned or expected and I just feel like there is not enough time left for everything.

We are so weighed down with Devin's whole lack of a job/college loan situation that it's hard to look forward and imagine a time when it won't be an obstacle to all of our goals. I had always hoped to finish college myself, and a subsequent career. The thought of having a baby just makes me think I would have to sacrifice even more of myself for yet another human being. I just don't want to get to the end of my life without having accomplished at least one thing just for me, and accomplished it to a point I feel satisfied with. I don't want to start my "true" career five years before retirement. If that makes sense. I know that sounds selfish but it's true. Maybe I'm just too selfish to have children.

I keep suggesting to Devin that once he get's a job, I should start working part time, go back to school, and have a baby. He doesn't seem to think I should go to school AND have a baby. I just don't see any other way to accomplish both things in the time I would like to accomplish them. Of course that all hinges upon Devin being employed in such a way as to have an income rivaling if not exceeding my current income which took me five years to accomplish once I started. Assuming he can even get an art-related job that has an actual salary.

Maybe we're just not parental people.

If only we didn't need money.

If only I would have planned ahead better.

If only I hadn't gained a million pounds since getting married.

If only I could count on the future to be what I want it to be.

If only...


Sorry, this out of control moment brought to you by a serious lack of maturity.